i’ve been spending all day actually Reading through all those journals i kept during my time in spain. and then typing into my computer any text that strikes me, that doesn’t come along with visuals. i did it in hopes of figuring out what my book is about.
i was looking for clues. i knew there was a story there, i just couldn’t figure out how to put words to it. which is when you know it’s bad, when as a writer you don’t know how to put something into words. all day long i kept thinking, this is hopeless, this is useless, there’s no theme, there’s no good writing, what the hell do you think you’re trying to do missy?
then just now (that wasn’t so long after all was it? i am truly a whiny little baby), i started to get some clarity. since clarity is fleeting at best for me, i quick wrote it down. so, just so you know, the answer to “how’s the book coming along?” is
it’s finally moving.
and the answer to “what’s your book about?” is starting to have an answer, and according to my notes this is the start:
1)a lot of it is about finding and making beauty in the middle of ugliness. this is maybe the dominant, and most important, theme. of course there’s lots of other things mixed in, too, because i was just spilling my life into these books. i wasn’t starting with a theme it was just life. life is muddy. but looking back there was definitely a main lesson going on during that time in my life-the need to revalue the finding and making of beauty. in a world of ugliness, the world is the reason we need more beauty.
2)i honestly don’t remember the really painful part, the part that made me feel like God was bullshit, like a being that society had told me was like a bigger, better version of santa claus but in the end didn’t pull through. so far going through and actually reading through my journals during this time isn’t giving me any clues. i always thought i kept journals because i have a terrible memory and i wanted to be able to remember what happened in my life. as it turns out, yes i do have a terrible memory. as it also turns out, the journals are not to keep record of the daily life, but to help me get through it. to create beauty even when i find it hard to even get out of bed.
(quote in journal from alanis morisette’s “only way out is through,” which i listened to over and over and over and Over in spain.)